In school i never showed my work - i worked in silence and presented if i felt like doing so. other times i would just sit happily knowing what i did or didn't do because i didn't want anyone to see me sweat because they saw me sweat other ways. So with venus virgo I am finally showing my work.
The playlist styled project was inspired by a close confidant of mine, Bokteen. He wished the world, my audience, could see me how he sees me: putting in the work, getting the results, really exposing the perfectionistic artist that I am. No perfectionist wants you to see them working as it can be very maddening. Sometimes the project may never reach its potential due to lack of funds, which then unfortunately determines the dedication of collaborators which then has often left me just hoping for one more stab at the vocals or seeing what a song would sound like with one less sound. These tracks were not afforded my perfection. These tracks were discarded in favor of others, some saved for hopeful record deals that would pay for the perfection. Some just maxed out my abilities at the time.
Listening back to each song I worked on prior to but is currently being released as a part of venus virgo, I heard a common theme of looking, searching, striving for perfection. Something I will never reach. Not because I am not good enough or not worthy but because my taste level is high and my capabilities are forever growing. “Perfect ending” is the spotlighted track here because I call myself out for putting these expectations on myself. I am allowed to exist in my almost. I can exist in my “it could be better.” I wonder if this is a symptom of growing black and regular? My use of “regular” here is that my parents didn't find me particularly special for what was unique and interesting but what was passable and basiq about me. My parents are popular people where I'm from and I was born into their light which wasn't always in my favor. So I grew up not cultivated in my passion or made to feel comfortable with what I thought and how my opinions existed in the world . I know that's normal which is why I used “regular” previously but I’ve listened to stories of unconditional and almost devotional love from a parent or two. Love that could inspire world changing confidence. I never had a mentor but there were people, places and spaces that encouraged me to hold on.
And “hold on” I did, in silence, at home, alone. Never a word from Saturn. That's actually how I developed my name. Saturn was my vantage point. Like Stevie said, “going back to saturn where the rings all glow and there's orange snow, on saturn.” I imagined a world of my creation that's actually starting to look like my current surroundings. At least I'm starting to look like my creation. As I've grown in my identity - I've become more comfortable in expressing my love as it lives inside of me and pushing past the boundaries I learn to survive in growing up. In “Exorcism” I ask a partner to meet there in self love, care and confidence. In “sing it for the boy” I pat my younger self on the back for surviving without it. I take that back. I'm proud of myself for hiding it long enough to survive. My light now shines everywhere I am. I take life day at a time while managing my extreme wild goals, they are not but in effort to be humble here…. I am a lover, a perfectionist, a friend and an artist. And this project is released in spite of those things. Those things that keep me hungry to learn me and to keep making myself better - venus virgo is my love in all its imperfect glory. The glory is in experience. Not in the presentation.